Jojie's feels felt and lessons learned for 2015
Breaking down has to happen. I feel my meltdowns and try my best not to shove them inside... because when I repress that shit I do REALLY stupid things. Like when I couldn't find my wallet last week and I thew a cup full of burning hot coffee at a parked car. No, really an 8oz americano totally smashed, it burned the shit out of my hand. FACT: The wallet was in my apartment. I also lost my wallet in NYC earlier this year and paced up and down the streets screaming, looking in gutters and crying my eyes out. FACT: the wallet was in my pants the whole time (but the lining of my back pocket was cut out and it had slid behind my knee). And then there was the other time I lost my wallet this year while I was in Austin TX. That meltdown was pretty fun, a lot of Uber drivers were contacted and a lot of tears were shed. Also I learned that you really don't need ANY form of ID to get on an airplane, you just show up a little early and cry. FACT: I got a FB message two days ago from some random dude in Austin who found my wallet on the street... two months later.
Learning not to compromise my ideals and dreams based on opportunities that present themselves to me. Just because someone asks me to do something doesn't mean I have to say yes. This year I started to say no to opportunities for the first time ever. It's way more fun to go home and watch Friday Night Lights than it is to do something you don't want to do with people you don't want to do it with.
Looking at a situation and evaluating what I am Giving and what I am Getting in return. Teaching yoga is not easy. When I teach, I pour my whole heart into it. And I have had situations where what I was putting out was not being matched with what I was getting in return. And to that I say, "No thank you and good day."
Leaning into the net of people that surround me and trusting that I can be honest with myself and them. It's ok for me to have real talk with the people I love, and it is ok for them to have it with me. But always... I try to think before speaking and I like to ask myself, "Is what I have to say an improvement upon silence?" If not... close the mouth.
Noticing my anxiety and getting clear on the distinction between... is this anxiety because I care SO much about what is present in the moment, or is it because I am SO miserable and this is NOT the right thing for me? Anxiety is my gift, perhaps my strongest sense. The more I listen to it, identify its actual purpose and acknowledge it, the more it chills the fuck out.
Opening myself up to the possibility of love in all forms, and knowing deep inside that I must be an active participant in this process for it to show up. The fact is that love isn't going to find me while I'm at home alone... taking baths and watching Friday Night Lights... EVERY.NIGHT while eating chips... in the tub. But for this year, I needed that bath time soaking medicine. But 2016... not so much.
Laughing. Not to be all Eat Pray Love or anything... But seriously some really funny shit has gone down this year. So funny that I have had tears pouring off my face on multiple occasions. Sometimes complete wack jobs show up in your world to pretty much make you laugh your ass off. Take it or leave it... I have chosen to take it.
Loving is number one. Loving myself and loving the people I have chosen to surround myself with. Knowing that everyone needs a little form of love, a smile, a handshake, eye contact. We are all human, we all want to be seen and felt.
I look forward to the lessons and feels for 2016. More shedding, more being true to M E, more laughter, more travel, more creating more magic in all forms... and more LOVE. xoxo
Lauren's reflections on 2015
That was my word for 2015. Integrity. To me, this year, integrity meant being absolutely, authentically true to myself in every situation, every interaction, every word that came out of my mouth. I have struggled for some time to find my true voice, my true heart, and let it speak its truth in all situations. For a long time, I was speaking from some other place. A place of fear, a place of wanting to please those around me, of wanting to do the "right" thing. It has only been in the last few years that I even realized I was doing that. It took a year of noticing, of witnessing this behavior, of gathering the data, to be ready to try some other way. 2015 was trying the other way.
This was a big year for me. I can honestly say I was 100% myself in some situations that were really fuckin scary. At my job, to my boss, in a new love relationship, in an art talk in front of a bunch of people. These are all situations where, in the past, I would have chosen a different way. In the past, I would let my mind consider a situation, weigh the pros and cons of doing or acting or saying a certain thing, and then do or say the thing that my mind told me was "right" or "good" or what I thought other people wanted to hear. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!!! Finding ways to speak directly and truly from my heart, not filtering it through that brain ball, that has been my work this year.
I still find myself in moments where I'm not speaking my truth, where I'm speaking from some other place. And that's ok. I'm still learning and growing and it takes a long time to undo a way of being in the world that has worked for me for the past ... 20 years? But it's not working anymore, and it hasn't worked for some time.
I'm trying a new way.