Bye Bye baby
By: Keri Venuti 

We made a contract. The three of us. Me and you and him. And then when he disappeared, I had to let you go. It was one of the saddest goodbyes I have ever had to say. 

 You were so wanted. I hope you know that. We even named you. Little RJ is what we called you in our secret, inside joke flirtations. Robin Jr. It worked for either a boy or a girl… Maybe Robin Jane.   

 You would have been the most loved baby on the planet. It would have been such a joy to have you join our almost “Brady Bunch” family.  We would have been “Yours, Mine, & Ours.”   

I actually pretended you were still coming after he died. I wanted it so bad… I obsessed. I researched for HOURS and HOURS the odds of getting pregnant (even though he had a vasectomy). I bought $150 worth of pregnancy tests. I had morning sickness and fullness in my lower abdomen. My breasts were tender and extra sensitive.  

I had made it all up in my mind, just like I made up stories about how he was going to come back, like it was the ultimate practical joke. I did this for months until one day, I just had to come to terms with the fact that I WAS NOT PREGNANT. 

I thought maybe you would want to be with me even though he wasn’t part of the contract anymore. Maybe I could find a stand-in, just for half of the DNA. I still wanted you, more than ever, actually. But, I quickly learned that you didn’t want that. You wanted him just as much as I did.

I’ll never forget when she told me, “This spirit only wants HIM as the father. This spirit doesn’t want to be ‘the baby after the tragedy.’” The enormity of the finality of those words was devastating. Tears flowed out of my heart as she said the words that needed to be said to allow you to move on. I understood that you, just like me, only wanted him. No one else would do and no one else could ever take his place. It was such a hard blow. It hit me in the chest with so much force I thought my broken heart was going to implode. When she asked me if I was ready to let you go, to let you go find the people you wanted to be your parents, who could give you the love you deserved, my heart melted. I had to let you go, I had to stop holding on to you selfishly. In the end, there was no benefit to me in holding on to this dream. It was only hurting me. In the end, I had to say goodbye.

 

Keri Venuti is currently living in Salt Lake City, UT where she studies Esthetics and is raising her three beautiful goddess daughters Lee Lee, Bre and Roxy. Image Courtesy of Kate Lewis Photography.